Picture this: There you are, going at it, loving it… Thinking to yourself..
Don’t come…don’t come…don’tcomedon’tcomedon’tco…fuck!
Too late. You’ve come.
So you roll over and pretend you’re asleep, but in reality, you’re scrolling through your phone looking for Cosmo’s 10 Step Guide to Avoiding Premature Ejaculation. It’s bollocks, so you find Men’s Health, and that’s even worse.
Nothing against either of those magazines, but in all honesty, no matter where they are written, those guides suck. They know it, and you know it.
So that’s it? No help available? Well, no. Luckily for you, I can explain to you exactly why those guides are shit, and what you can do instead.
Wikipedia defines Premature Ejaculation as when a man experiences orgasm and expels semen soon after sexual activity and with minimal penile stimulation. Yup, it’s like a loaded frigging gun waiting to go off. One false move…
But it’s not just you, and it’s more common than you think. One-third of men experience this on a regular basis, and most – if not all – men have had to leave the party early at least once. I suspect the ones who say they haven’t are lying.
It’s shit. It’s like the threesome nobody wants, and this uninvited guest in the bedroom not only comes between you and your partner, effectively ruining your sex life, but it also creates mental tension in the form of anxiety, depression, low self-confidence, self-doubt…need I go on?
So, let’s take a look at some of the most common ‘cures’ for Premature Ejaculation that you’ve read about, and why they suck.
- Use a Thick Condom. Hmm…ok, we’ll go along with that for a moment, after all, it makes sense, right? A thicker condom makes you less sensitive, and if you can’t feel as much you won’t shoot your load as quickly. Are you fucking kidding me? Yes, it slows things down, but at what cost? How is making the man feel less so the woman can feel more a good thing? Any woman who even slightly likes you is going to hate that idea – sure it might be good once or twice but she might as well be in bed with a robot, and nobody (apart from fetishists) wants that! If you want to sweep the dust under the carpet, go ahead, but sooner or later someone is going to lift the carpet and all that shit is going to come flying out. Do you see what I’m saying?
- Think of Something Else. After all, there’s nothing as sexy as being in bed with a bloke who is thinking of football, or the laundry, or – God forbid – his mother. Who the fuck came up with that? Sex is fantastic, so why would you want to focus on something else? In order to have great sex you need to be there, in the moment, and concentrating on pleasing your lover and yourself. When it comes to sex, shifting your mind away from the moment will make things much much worse, and you are in danger of completely burying your own sexuality. It’s bad enough talking to someone when their mind wanders – we feel invisible to that person, right? That feeling is magnified a million fold when someone you are in bed with is thinking about something else. If your mind is taken up with thoughts of laundry, or shopping, it’s NOT on your lover or yourself and that is when you stop pleasing either of you. And don’t kid yourself that your partner won’t notice, because she will, and that will start a whole chain reaction in her own mind and she will start doubting herself. If you want to put out the fire, that’s a sure fire way of doing it, even if it is with the best of intentions.
- Train your Pelvic Floor Muscles. It’s not just women who are told to train these muscles, men should be doing it too, and yes – it will benefit your sex life to a degree. But…and it’s a big ‘but’…it’s not something you should get used to doing every time you have sex. By forcing yourself not to ejaculate, you are depriving yourself and your partner of being ‘in the moment’. Sex is always best when both parties lose themselves in it, not when one of them is doing pelvic lifts – leave that shit to the gym.
- Jerk Off Before Sex. Ok, you know sex is on the cards, and in an effort to make it last longer you decide to ‘spank the monkey’ beforehand. We all know that men will last longer after they’ve shot their bolt once, right? Right – and here’s the reason. Men lose the urge for sexual intimacy once they’ve come, and you can imagine how satisfying that’s going to be to a woman when her man is just going through the motions. And you’re not doing yourself any favors either. It’s like trying to drive a car with no fuel in the tank – fuck that, you want a full tank and a foot on the accelerator!
I know what you’re thinking now. Fuck! How can I make it last when every one of my tricks has just been shat all over? Breathe brother – I’m not going to leave you in the lurch. And before you say it, no…I’m not going to try and sell you some magic pill or sign your life (and savings) away on some miracle training course. What we are going to do is talk about the psychology – your mental attitude towards sex and ejaculation. Because that’s what it’s all about.
As we’ve already seen, most of these so-called cures for Premature Ejaculation concentrate on delaying tactics, but they’re not a cure, they’re a short-term band-aid, and who wants one of those near their dick? No, all they do is put pressure on you and put even more focus on the climax, which will reduce the pleasure for both men and women.
And there, my friends is the paradox. In order to last longer in bed you have to be comfortable with coming, and yes that will invariably include not lasting a long time in the first place.
Listen up – the world won’t stop turning because you come early. Accept it, embrace it, even, and then move on. It’s not a big deal, but you will only realize that when you accept your – ahem – shortcomings. Only when you have achieved this will you be able to concentrate on pleasuring both your partner and yourself. It is what it is, accept it and work with it. Be comfortable with who you are.
Look at it this way – you can either approach sex fearing ejaculation, which will reduce your performance and make you a pretty lousy lay (because all you’ll be thinking about is not coming), or you can get it on, knowing full well that you will probably come before she does, and that it’s not the be-all-and-end-all of sex. Losing that massive preoccupation with coming is the single most important thing you can do for your sexual performance.
That said, there are a couple of things which I firmly believe will help:
Don’t watch porn. Why? Because it shows you an unrealistic view of sex, and watching it is training your mind to idolize one type of sex, and honestly – real sex is nothing like porn. Thank God.
Don’t masturbate. Avoiding masturbation will not, contrary to popular opinion, make you come even faster. Holding off will make you make you more present, more horny, and more hungry for sex, which in turn will make you a much better lover, which will invariably lead to infinitely better sex.
So there you have it. Stop reading the glossy magazines and definitely stop trying to delay ejaculation.
Oh…and good luck in bed!