It might be difficult trying to remember when your sexuality was first awakened and how you felt. Similarly, it might be difficult remembering that first realization that you wanted to adopt the role of being a dominant woman, specifically sexually. Slowly, it dawns on you that vanilla sex might never be quite enough to satisfy you completely. Perhaps it was someone else who introduced you to this lifestyle and you realized how much more this extra dimension brought into your life. But when the relationship ended, new partners never had that same sexual proclivity and so you let it lie but thought you would never be fully satisfied again. So you resigned yourself to that fact and waited for someone else to come along and to light your fire. And then, you find someone who you are totally in love with and you settle down into marriage, never having discussed this desire because you feel embarrassed or a little afraid that he might think you’re a freak.
Stop right there! If you are so in love with a guy that you are going to commit to him for life, then you need to discuss your innermost thoughts and make sure that you both trust each other with your lives and each other’s body. If you commit to a life of vanilla sex without even exploring the options and keeping your mouth firmly shut, then you could potentially be signing up for a lifetime of boring and unfulfilling sex. And committing your poor husband to be to a wife who he feels he can never satisfy sexually. So you need at least to discuss what turns you both on. Yes, of course, he might be a bit stunned at first never suspecting his cute little angel could have anything quite so hot going through her mind. Or he might be so turned on by the idea that you go on to have the best sex you have ever had as a couple.
Whatever he feels, you should start by telling him how much it means to you and that you’re not an expert by any stretch of the imagination. Like him, you are a novice and you would both be feeling your way along. You are about to open up to him and commit to each other in a way that is more intimate than almost any other because you are revealing your innermost thoughts and trusting him with secrets that you might never have dared to share before. When you get him onside and at least get him to agree to try it out, be kind to each other and listen to what the other person is saying. There is no wrong or right way to do this; it is more about what feels good to both of you.
As I said in the introduction, my persona as a Domme was awakened by 50 Shades, a book which is probably responsible for an upsurge in sub/dom experimentation. My sex life had nearly always been satisfying but I will always be open to new ideas and like to try things at least once. Sub/dom was something I knew I wanted to continue to explore and the more repetition, the better. My first venture into this type of sex was as a sub and whilst I enjoyed this, I knew that I might probably be happier in the role of the Domme. When I first suggested that I wanted to be spanked by my partner, he readily agreed and seemed to enter into it wholeheartedly.
Little by little, we introduced more sub/dom sex play into our sex lives and spiced things up so much that we both soon realized that we might want to go further. I was only slightly surprised when my partner suggested that he might enjoy being spanked by me and even though I felt a little self-conscious, to begin with, I soon became aware of how much I was enjoying myself. From there I could quite easily progress onto demanding sexual acts be performed on me such as oral sex and I could make it last for as long as I wanted to without feeling pressurized by thinking he might not want to do it for long. We spoke about our feelings openly and he told me how much he enjoyed satisfying me and being told what to do by me for me.
We both felt as if our sex lives had opened up and expanded into the unknown, naughty but nice territory. I found erogenous zones on his body that he had never asked me to touch before. And I guided him to new ones on me. We progressed to canes and belts, but I took care to monitor the strength I used until I knew exactly how much pressure to exert. We both felt much more sexually adventurous and daring and our conversation about sex became more uninhibited and freer. We were not afraid or embarrassed to discuss anything with the other, which bonded us closer than we had ever felt before and welded our sexual partnership together with trust.
We had been seeing each other for around two years when, out of the blue, he was offered a job that was too good to refuse. To cut a long story short, and after much angst and discussion, we decided that he should go alone. I work in a high-powered industry too and love my job. We said that if our relationship were strong enough, then we would come back together in the future. When he went, he left a big hole in my life, emotionally and sexually, and I realized that when I was ready to look for a sexual relationship with someone else, it might involve going back to basics with a new partner. Alternatively, I knew that there are clubs and support groups where you can find like-minded people, or even online, which can make it easier establishing a new partnership. All hope was not lost, and I began to explore my options.
For some, it might feel a little seedy when visiting clubs where sex, and what most still consider to be kinky sex, is the prime motivation for visiting but if you can take it in the spirit of fun then it becomes much easier to loosen up and be open with others. I toyed with this idea and decided to give it a go. I persuaded an open-minded female friend to come with me – I wasn’t brave enough to go alone at this stage – and, at first, we just looked on it as a recce. We were just testing the water and would see what turned up if anything. I wasn’t holding out much hope. My friend openly admits that she is more comfortable with a sub role and this type of relationship is more prevalent. She met someone on our first visit, and they went onto continue seeing each other for over a year.
For me, on the other hand, it was more difficult. I don’t think that I was unnecessarily choosy, but I wanted to make sure that it was someone who turned me on and with whom I had other things in common. Some people feel differently to me and for them, it’s all about the sexual relationship; in fact, it can be almost anonymous. But I had not long come from a stable, loving and trusting relationship and I felt that anything less would not be enough, it would simply be a compromise. For that reason, I decided to take my time and hoped I would recognize the real thing when he appeared. There were a few dalliances, but no-one seemed to fit the bill and I recognized that they would never be anything more than ships that pass in the night but still enjoyable and most worthwhile experiences. Whilst some managed to add to my experience, I did find that not all preferences matched mine either. The trick is to take it slowly and see what suits what people in the relationship, literally to feel your way. Taking it slowly also fosters extra safety measures and excellent and clear communication is a must. We’re all so different and our sexual preferences, just like any other preference, will vary from person to person. Be clear about what you want and be honest with the other person about whether you are willing to fulfill their desires too. Be as explicit as you can and agree on guidelines so that there are no misunderstandings.